My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I am available for nakedness
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
