If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
