If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
