I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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