What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Randomize
