I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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