I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
