I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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