i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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