How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
