Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
