i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
