Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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