He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
