I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
