Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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