I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
