So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
