Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
