ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
