the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
