does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
