Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
