im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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