it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
