Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i think my mom watched the whole time
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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