i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
being pregnant is like rehab
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
