Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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