life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
