That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
