Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
