You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
