When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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