I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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