I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
