Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I would fuck him just for his dog
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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