1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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