When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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