why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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