she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
