Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Too much gin, very little bucket
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
