yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
