Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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