I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
