I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
