Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
