All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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