How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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