He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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