I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
